10 In Love

Hard to believe it’s been 3 years

Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my Nan’s death. It feels longer. It feels like she hasn’t been around forever.

I’ve always been a crier, and I’ve always been in tune with my emotions (sometimes too much), but since Nan passed I’ve developed a tougher exterior and hardly cry.

I did a lot of my mourning before she passed, as the cancer took hold of her and dragged her down so fast. It was shocking to see the effects on her body and her mind. It was scary watching her sitting there scared. It was hard seeing her make the decision to go nil by mouth – even though I totally supported and agreed with the decision. And then – sitting there by her bedside holding her hand, watching her as she slept. Her body wracked by spasms of pain, her mind running wild with dreams, her lungs struggling to breath, every now and then waking up and saying my name and slipping back into sleep.

By this stage she had moved home to rest on a hospital bed looking out into the bush as the horses in the paddock next door ran back and forth, the birds sang, and the wind blew, rattling the branches of the tall gum trees outside. It was here that she passed.

I don’t allow myself a lot of time to think of Nan.  I guess I’m afraid to as I know deep down I miss her incredibly. But her photos are scattered around the house – on the fridge, on my bedside table, and so on. And I have some of her clothes and jewellery in my wardrobe, including her dressing gown I will dig out when winter sets in.

I miss you Nan.

Love,

Janine

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  • Roy A. Ackerman, PhD, EA @ Cerebrations.biz
    March 20, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    May her memory only bring smiles to your lips and a twinkling to your eyes.

  • Barbara
    March 22, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    What a courageous and strong woman your Nan was, Janine! Roy said it so beautifully: “smiles and twinkles”. Thinking of my own grandmother I wish I have inherited some of her wonderful genes.

    • Janine Ripper
      April 8, 2013 at 2:55 pm

      ‘smiles and twinkles’ I love that 🙂

  • MuMuGB
    March 23, 2013 at 5:07 am

    Once again, you are ahead of me, Janine. I lost my grandmother a little over a year ago. I have just come to accept that she won’t be coming back, and the anger has finally gone, which is good I suppose. Grief is a weird thing. It catches me at unexpected moments. I can’t control it, and I hope that, eventually, I will think of her with just a smile.

  • Junalin @ Doula Training
    April 1, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Such a beautiful post for your beloved Nan. I believe, she’s already in a place where there’s no more pain but happiness and beauty.

    Junalin

    • Janine Ripper
      April 8, 2013 at 2:20 pm

      Thanks for the kind words and for stopping by, Junalin.

  • Joy
    April 11, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Hugs to you Janine. I’m sure her love and courage live on and continue to enrich you.

  • sarah
    April 21, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    This post reminded me of my own Nan who passed away in January 2011. Grandparents are such a blessing. Lots of love to you. xx

    • Janine Ripper
      May 14, 2013 at 6:03 pm

      They certainly are. Makes me want to adopt an elderly person 🙂

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