23 In Living/ Mental Health/ Self-care

Learn the Power Behind Learning to Say No

 The Power Behind Learning to Say No

 

Learning to say no is a whole lot harder than it sounds.

But once you get past the fear of letting the teensie weenie little word pass your lips and through your mouth, it can be empowering!

I wish I’d learnt to say no a lot earlier in life but sometimes (more often than not) I insist on learning things the hard way!

I mean, why is NO such a hard word to say?

No, I don’t want another drink.

No, I’ll pass on that fifth and sixth piece of pizza.

No, I don’t want to go out tonight.

No, I don’t actually want that job.

No, I can’t commit to anything else at the moment.

No, I can’t do overtime.

No, I won’t do that because it doesn’t feel right…

No, I definitely won’t do that!

Aside from being a people pleaser, I used to believe in working hard as an overall value. The harder I worked, the more I pleased, the happier people were with me and the more they wanted me. Hard work defined me. Success defined me. Awards defined me. And praise, well, praise sustained me. So there’s no surprises I burnt out, too many times.

I also believed that selflessness was admirable.

To serve others. To help people. That was my priority. After all, it made people happy.

Like I said, I was a people pleaser.

On top of that I was immersed in a corporate culture of ‘yes men’.

As someone who lacked confidence and was very shy, I hated confrontation of any form. So in saying yes to everything I avoided all sorts of confrontations, even to my detriment.

I really just wanted people to like and be proud of me. I was so needy. I also equated saying no with letting people down. With upsetting them. With disappointment.

Sound familiar?

So what changed?

I was so stressed out people pleasing and saying yes to every opportunity that came my way, I ended up sick from stress and burnt out…over and over and over [read more of that in I am not wonder woman]

I was also rudely awoken to the fact that, to some degree, I was naive and gullible. *Shock horror* not everyone held their best of intentions for me. In fact, some of them had or were using me.

It took me until my 30’s to finally grow a pair.

It took me a lot longer to start saying no without stressing about it for days beforehand and ending up an anxious mess.

It took me even longer to be able to say no to their faces and not via a sneaky text message.

Okay, it was a lot more complicated than that but learning to say no started from sitting down to do a simple brainstorming exercise where I delved into my values and priorities in life. I mean, what were they? Obviously I wasn’t living according to them!

After sitting down to identify my personal values and to ‘find my why’ I became clearer on what I DIDN’T WANT in my life – which, as it turns out, was a lot of stuff! Stress, politics, working myself to exhaustion, gossipy people, I didn’t want any of those. What I valued, what I wanted my priorities to be, were my family, who I hadn’t had time to see. And my friends, whom I had become distant from. My health, both physical and mental, was generally terrible. Work, a career doing what I loved. Hmmmm. And then there was elusive happiness…which was no where in sight. I needed to make some serious changes.

Saying no is the way to reclaim power over your own life.

It takes time, hard work, self-reflection and continually reminding yourself of what you do and don’t want in your life,.

Today I use my core personal values as a ‘guiding light’ to decision-making in life. If something isn’t sitting right with me, such as, if I’m feeling sick in the pit of my stomach, then I make sure I stop to analyse WHY I’m feeling the way I am. Is it because I ate something dodgy? Or is it because I’m not sure it’s a good move in saying yes to that job offer, especially when it’s NOT related to what I want to do!

I also need to keep myself in check as it’s so easy to fall back into the ‘yes’ trap! And of course, there are still times when I don’t listen to my ‘guiding light’ – or my body shouting at me – and commit to things I shouldn’t have. There are also times when I have to suck it up and do things I don’t want to do. I mean, there are such things as relationships and compromise, so ‘I will watch that football game with you love’, and, as it turns out, 9 years later I now like football and root for Liverpool FC!

keep-calm-and-just-say-no

Finding Your Why

I created Finding Your Why to help others like me. People who are kinda lost, tired, and need a helping hand to get back in touch with who they really are and what they really want to be doing.

Finding Your Why is a little workbook full of insightful exercises to help you gently explore what isn’t working in your life, and to start making some changes!

So go on, grab your free workbook as it’s time to start focusing on YOU!

Finding your why. So go on, grab your free workbook. I want you to have it. It really is time to start focussing on you.

P.S. If you loved this, you might also love these:

Learning to love yourself again

There’s no such thing as perfect

NEVER deny your struggles. They are an important part of your story!

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  • Sue
    June 6, 2015 at 3:52 am

    I agree totally it is hard to say no. I like your reference to core values as a guiding light. Saying no is something I continually have to work on.

    • Janine Ripper
      June 8, 2015 at 9:10 am

      I think it’s a lifelong thing to work on really. It’s so easy to slip back into it! That’s why I find the values a good reminder.

  • Lisa Kniebe
    June 6, 2015 at 3:12 pm

    ‘I equated no with letting people down’ this really resonates with me, as it has been a mindset I have found difficult to change. Getting there with practice though.

    • Janine Ripper
      June 8, 2015 at 9:10 am

      I think it takes life long practice!

  • Mackenzie Glanville
    June 6, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    Loving the double face palm

  • lonestarsky
    June 6, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    This is a great post, and something that a lot of people seem to struggle with. I’ve always been paranoid about people not liking me, which made me a people pleaser but its only in recent years that I’ve realised just how much resentment and upset this has caused me. I’m a lot better now – not perfect – but like you I’m more aware of my values and what’s important to me, which acts like a guiding light.

    • Janine Ripper
      June 8, 2015 at 9:12 am

      We sound so very similar! Thanks for reading me and for your wonderful comment. It’s great to hear that others are going through the same thing – we aren’t alone in our struggles!

  • Penelope James
    June 9, 2015 at 1:55 am

    I applaud you for learning to say No! It’s a great post and really drives home that point. However, only time will tell if you truly know how to say no. I’ve gone through periods when I could say no and then lapsed, almost too easily, back into people pleasing. I may never learn that lesson. It’s a lot like a diet. Take it seriously while you’re on it, but fall down in maintenance. Whenever someone asks me to read their book and write a review, I feel obliged to do it. Whenever people ask me to an event, I feel obliged to go though I am getting a bit better at saying no. If someone needs me, I will give up my time though grudgingly. Look at all your stuff online, of course but at what time?

    One more thing that, as an Australian, you don’t have to take into account is a Latino family. There’s no saying no to them!

    • Janine Ripper
      June 11, 2015 at 5:17 pm

      Oh it’s definitely a lifelong process!!! And I definitely hear you after helping someone out last night and sitting on the internet until 11pm! eek.

      As to Australian, well, I am marrying into an anglo-indian family!

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