Tag Archives: Mental Health

The Importance of Colour in Your Life

Posted on by
20

On Friday night I found myself slipping back into an old habit.

As I stood in front of the wardrobe, I was in a state of distress as to what to wear. I had tried on 3 dresses and wasn’t happy with any of them, the skin on my face was itchy from the eczema I have developed, and I felt ugly. The last thing I felt like doing was hitting the town with a girlfriend. This was reminisce of my former self, who loved jeans and all things black, and was known to have a lot of panic attacks over going out in public, in deciding what to wear, over thinking she was ugly, and so on.

I’d been in a funk all day – my day off work. The one day I have given myself to look after me. That’s the whole reason I went part-time.  But I just couldn’t get motivated, I was fatigued, and I was down.

I’d managed to drag myself out of the funk a little after a phone call from my sister-in-law, a girly chat, and a nice healthy home-made roasted pumpkin and walnut salad with accompanying green juice for lunch. But then I slipped back down again whilst standing in front of the sorry excuse for a wardrobe.

As the tears welled I threw on some black tights and a red dress with polka dots. It’s my new favourite, and it is so unlike the old me who steered away from colour.

I put on some jewellery, covered my eczema as much as I could, curled my hair – which went well with my newly lopped locks – and slipped on some heals.

I kissed Denis goodbye with the remnants of tears still in my eyes, and headed out the door.

Slowly, yet surely, my mood lifted. It was helped along by my favourite cocktail – a capirosca – and a good meal and a nice bar.  It was helped even further by fantastic service and great conversation.  And it was helped even further by the felt that I felt good in my red, polka dot dress, and people (even women) were commenting on how good I looked.

And that’s when I got to thinking.

Colour plays an important part in our day.

The colours you wear can go a lot towards helping your mood.

Your mood effects how you feel, and how you come across to others.

Therefore today, in getting ready for the first event I’ve coordinated in my new job, I slipped on my black tights, heals and another red dress that I picked up a few weeks back. I hadn’t worn it before, and I admit on looking in the mirror – well – my old Negative Nelly tried to lie to myself and tell me I looked ugly – but do you know what!  I managed to convince her that I actually looked good, and thus – I felt good (it worked!). I felt more confident today then I usually would. The event went well.  I walked through the city afterwards with my head held high and heels clicking. The Big Issue Man I usually walked past commented on my ‘colour’ and that it was gorgeous.  I felt good.

So, from here on in, I vow to inject more colour into my life – and particularly my wardrobe. I don’t want to be that timid, passive girl that blends into the crowd anymore.  I’m also going to start wearing more dresses, as part of me might just like being a girl.

Lady in Red - a few years back at my Mum's wedding

 

 

 

 

 

Withdrawing from Coffee

Posted on by
8

Last week I wrote a post called ‘Reflecting on Change’, in which I listed a few of the changes I was making in my life in order to become a healthier, happier me.

One of those changes was quitting coffee – and this was the one that got the most reaction from almost everyone! As one reader commented -

‘As for kicking the coffee habit, I just can’t!’

Drastic Action

Yes, I admit it might seem a bit drastic.  I’ll be the first one to admit that a cup of coffee in the morning is a comfort thing – a cup of tea just isn’t the same (that’s my afternoon tea routine).  And seriously, these days coffee is the only thing that gets my brain going in the morning.  I am NOT a morning person.

The reason

The reason why I’m trying to give up coffee is because something is agitating my stomach, so much so that the discomfort, bloating and pain is just getting too much.  For one, I don’t like swelling up like a balloon and walking around all day at work rubbing my belly like a pregnant lady – the perfect way to start people talking. Secondly, I am totally fed up with the discomfort.  I’ve had so many tests, with all results saying ‘I’m fine’…so elimination of things from my diet is pretty much my last straw…again (I attempted this a few years ago).

So, coffee – my love – was the first thing to go.

The thought behind my choice

Coffee gives me heart palpitations and makes me nauseous.  It also dehydrates me and makes me anxious.  These are all generic ‘side effects’ from drinking coffee – that if you really think about it, you just might get also.

Aside from that, I suffer most of my stomach complaints at work, and the one thing I ingest at work, that I don’t ingest at home is coffee with normal milk.

All of the reading I did also backed up my decision. Coffee and milk (aka dairy) is known to affect humans in some not-so-nice ways, most of which I have mentioned above. So really, for me, it was the obvious choice (and so much easier than giving up wheat – meh).

The phasing out of coffee

So just over 2 1/2 weeks ago I started phasing out coffee from my life.

Day 1 – a Monday.  I really should have given that some thought.  Advise to those considering quitting coffee – don’t choose a Monday.  I succumbed to a small flat white – I needed something to help me speak English.  My stomach wasn’t too bad all day, but I worked like a mad woman after the coffee.

Day 2 – no coffee or dairy.  I substituted the coffee for a green juice (better than it sounds!) and was bouncing off the walls at work – in a non-anxious kinda way.  Maybe I was onto a winner with the juice?!

Day 3 – Green juice for breakfast and rye bread toast with Nutex (a non-dairy margarine). Good going, until I had a client meeting where I bended a little and had a small coffee.  I didn’t feel too bad all day – perhaps the juice had counter-acted the effects of the juice no?

Day 4 – Just to try something out, I brought a soy flat white from the local cafe.  Let me just say, that could have been enough to put me off coffee. It certainly was enough to put me off soy.

Day 5 through to Day 13 – coffee-less but with loads of juice and stuff.  I also managed to avoid ice-cream, cheese, chocolate – pretty much all dairy.

On Day 14 (I think – excuse the math, it’s not my forte) I turned to my partner, Denis, and said ‘You know what, I haven’t felt this good in a long time.’  It was the truth. I felt great, and I had a flat tummy!  Unfortunately I went out to lunch with a friend and ate pizza with a wee bit of ice cream for desert, and man my stomach was in all kinds of trouble that night :( and still is tonight (it’s Wednesday night).

Now, let’s look at the bright side of things.

I don’t need coffee.  I just want it.

Not drinking coffee is great for my anxiety levels.

I’m actually waking up better in the morning without coffee – perhaps coffee was some kind of psychological crux?

Coffee leaves a bad taste in my mouth afterwards – so it must have been effecting my breath…cause my mouth don’t taste as funky to me anymore.

I’m saving money by not spending $4-5 on a coffee every day.

In replacing coffee with juice, I’m now achieving my daily intake of 2 and 5…actually I’m exceeding it.

To coffee, or not to coffee – that is the question

I don’t think coffee is my stomachs problem.  I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s dairy – and I’m gutted by that as I simply adore cheese (of which I ate yesterday which could be exacerbating my current stomach issue).

That doesn’t mean that I’m going to start drinking it every day again though.  I want to not want it, and I want to decrease my anxiety levels.  So booting coffee in the ass is a good thing for me.

And now for dairy… :(

Yes, I’m a Red-Head…Get Over It

Posted on by
40

You may not think that a little thing such as being born with red hair could have so much of an impact on someones life…but it has.

My old best friend and I

As a little girl I’m sure people thought I was cute – with my shock of red hair flaming around my face. That all changed.

I grew older, retreated into my shell, gained freckles and developed pimples. These were combined with splotchy, easily blush-able and burnable skin. I didn’t eat a lot of junk food. I mean, we couldn’t afford it.  Plus we lived in the hills, no where near a fast food restaurant. I was still teased and told that I shouldn’t eat so much chocolate, or chips, or pizza (cause my face looked like one – hahahaha – not).

My body – I became an awkward, supposedly ‘pudgy’ teenager. I hated my shape, and the other kids teased me for it. Looking back on photos of myself I was actually slim…just not slim enough. Being made – by the TEACHER – to weigh myself in front of the entire class in year 5 hadn’t helped. I was the 2nd heaviest girl in the class – I have heavy bones! But because the 1st placed girl had a note so as NOT to put her weight on the board, I claimed 1st place…and the teasing that went with it. THAT lasted into high school. The starving myself…well that lasted – on and off – for a long time, followed by excessive exercising, binge eating, and so on.

And then there was my last name – Ripper. As soon as kids could latch onto that they did. Oh – and my first initial, of course, was J…Janine the Stripper, Janine the Ripper, are you related to Jack? And then there were the original ones – ooo what’s that smell…you let off a ripper.  Of course, I did what any red-headed girl would do blush…badly. 

But that was no way near the flack I copped for my hair. My hair became unruly, and it was still red. How dare I have red hair? I mean – ‘how ugly’. Of course, I couldn’t be seen wearing any colour as every colour ‘clashed’ with red hair. So I wore black, and I was told I looked ‘deathly’ pale. I was told that no boy would ever want to go out with me, and mostly they didn’t (apart from the red-headed boy). I was whispered about on the school bus, just loud enough to be heard…‘the ugly red-headed girl’ – the girls giggled, as did the boys. When the bus braked, and I fell onto the pile of school bags – well, there was more ammo. Yes, I’m a clutz too. So I retreated further into books…

Met at 18

As I got older, I was certain no boy would ever like me, and as I got older still – after being slapped on the ass whilst on the dance floor of a club and laughed at, and followed down the street by men heckling – I threw myself into work, study, getting drunk, and making out with any blind drunk random who would kiss me at the end of the night.

Depression took hold of me – although I didn’t accept that that was what it was at the time. Living in a state with beautiful beaches just seemed cruel. I just couldn’t compare to the blonde, bronzed godesses that surrounded me everywhere I turned. I couldn’t even compare to the ‘alternative’ girls at uni. I was no one, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to get out of this godforsaken country where everywhere I turned I was reminded of my inadequacies.

Singapore was my first trip overseas with my dearest friend Charissa. This was where I found a whole new world. I was told I could be a model there? Men tripped over their feet staring at me. Was I pretty?

Italy was my second trip overseas. 6 weeks backpacking, whilst being sweet talked by Italian stallions, followed into the toilets by a seedy old man in Naples, driven into fits of laughter by a jock from the US, and charmed by a brooding American writer who was the first man I had ever experienced ‘electricity’ with. The trip ended in Paris, where I was made to feel ‘beautiful’.

Searching for myself

As the 6 weeks came to an end I had to return home, where I still did not feel at home. I felt like a foreigner. I didn’t belong, no matter how hard I tried. This was in the midst of an increasing drug culture, and the fact that I didn’t do drugs…well, it was like being at high school again. I was ‘strange’, ‘weird’, I ‘wasn’t interested in anything’. In a nutshell – I was boring. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I chucked in everything and went overseas indefinitely, where I was looked at, loved, charmed, broken and restored. In return I had flirted, smiled, loved, broke-down, and built myself up again. You could say that I found my self.

9 1/2 months later I returned home…sooner than expected, but it was my choice. I was a new person…I was confident! Some people didn’t like it, many that I had worked with before I had left. They didn’t like the new ‘confident‘ me. They definitely didn’t like me sticking up for myself, or the fact that I started achieving things in my career fast. Of course, others loved the new me…and so did I.

What am I trying to say by sharing this with you?

It’s not that looks count for everything. As looks fade.

It’s not that loving someone will solve everything…because it doesn’t. 

It could be that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

Or that in order to love others, you must first love yourself.

It is that childhood bullying scars, and that these scars can last a lifetime.

In the end, through sharing this story, and the others in ‘The Beauty of Difference’ series, I hope to help people see.

EVERYTHING HAS ITS BEAUTY BUT NOT EVERYONE SEES IT - CONFUCIUS

 

Janine plus Vitamin D and a glass of wine

The week that was

Posted on by
4

Week 4 of voluntary employment delivered some interesting insights and developments…my life is certainly never dull.

On Monday I thought I should start thinking about looking for some kind of job to bring in some money…at least it was a start!  I was slightly hampered by the fact that my car was in the shop. For those that don’t know, week 2 of unemployment delivered to me a 4 x drive into the back of my car.  It seemed that the driver couldn’t wait for the green light (his foot got stuck between the peddles apparently…). On top of the flu, tummy bug, fatigue and skin rashes, I had a fab time! But I still haven’t cried…it seems I have GROWN as a person!

On Tuesday I was trying to finish off an e-book I had been working on for months. I had been struggling with inspiration for the design because the old job had sapped my will to live (exaggeration – yes), but on leaving said job had finally been struck by the creativity baton.

I was also hanging around the house waiting to have a Skype call with a real Sydney journo about Emergen, the online community I’m part of, social media, and Gen Y / X (as I’m on the cusp, depending on what you read).  I was really struggling with the butterflies when I got a call to see if I was interested in going for an interview for a part-time job…Tuesday. You can imagine the size of my butterflies then! Anyway, I thought why not. A Part-time job could be just what the doctor ordered – some interaction with people face to face, working back in the city, a bit of a demotion in work and hours so less stress (?), good pay, 6 month contract to take me through Christmas, and the bonus would be I could use the spare hours to really focus on my future endeavours.

The interview with the journo went okay…although it was weird being on the other end of the questions!  And the job interview went really well! It was followed by a second interview on Thursday, and a job offer of which I have accepted (starting Monday – argh!).

Wednesday I walked an hour to pick up my car…sometimes you just need a good walk! And to my surprise the car had been cleaned inside and out, polished and vacuumed. It looks so purdy now.

Thursday – well, I had the second job interview, got the job, developed a wicked migraine, had a huge nanna nap, and then tried to council someone dear to me who is going through a crisis of sorts. It’s hard to see someone you care for struggle with life…and it is especially hard – and slightly weird – to be on the other side looking in (since in the past it’s always been me as the one who was struggling).  Of course, this all results in some huge anxiety attacks on my part last night, and I didn’t get much sleep – damn it!

Oh – I just finished the e-book (about an hour ago)! It’s now with a special person to review and decide on the ‘how to’ launch specifics (okay – I must admit I am also a perfectionist which is why it took me so long).  I so can’t wait to share it with you all!

How has your week been?

 

 

How A Different Past Led to a Happy Present

Posted on by
35

As described on her blog 40blog Spot, Muriel Jacques is ‘a French Yummy Mummy in London, and corporate Mum of 2 cheeky little girls’. 

As it turns out Muriel is embarking on a similar journey to myself at the moment.  We both found ourselves resigning from our corporate jobs within a few weeks of each other, in pursuit of our dreams. Unfortunately, Muriel is based in London, and I am in Perth (Australia). We couldn’t get any further apart really…but that hasn’t stopped us striking up a supportive friendship.

I am pleased to be able to bring you today’s honest and heartfelt post  for ‘The Beauty of Difference’ Series from Muriel Jacques.

Heritage

Photo by Murial Jacques

I grew up in a small village in Provence. It is fair to say that I couldn’t be more French: my Grandmother has found that an ancestor was living in the very same village more than 400 years ago.

Provence is often the ultimate romantic destination in books and novels. For me, despite the beautiful landscapes and the Mediterranean Sea, it felt completely different. We had no friends and barely travelled. I felt stuck there.

Photo by Muriel Jacques

Growing up in the shadow of a mental illness

When I was 19, my Dad was finally diagnosed as a bipolar. He had just tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a window.

Understandably, we were in shock. However, for me, it was also a huge relief. I had known that something was wrong for a long time.

My Dad could be the sweetest guy – taking good care of his family, playing with us. But from time to time, he was a different person. He could start shouting at me, explaining that I wasn’t worth anything and would never go anywhere in life. The abuse was mostly verbal and it could be about anything – my haircut, my intelligence, my homework, the way I dressed…However, once, the day before my baccalaureate (The French A-level), he hit me on top of the usual insults. My Mum wasn’t home yet, and I was physically and emotionally hurt. We had no friends, so all of this happened behind closed doors.

Taking matters into my own hands

At around 10, I started writing pages after pages in my diary, detailing my Dad’s latest outbursts. And I made two decisions. They proved to be lifesavers.

The first one was to always be honest with myself, even if it meant saying stuff like “I hate my dad”, which I wrote at the time.

The second one was to escape from home as soon as possible. I worked hard and despite being humiliated and sometimes hit, I passed my exams with flying colors. I managed to escape to university at 16 – or two years in advance compared to the usual age, far away from home. I successfully rebuilt a life far from this toxic familial atmosphere.

Making peace with my past

Eventually I learned to accept that my Dad was ill and that it was not his fault. He is in pain. That being said, I still resent the fact that he doesn’t accept his illness, and, still today, we can’t talk about bipolar depression – he plays it down and blames the break-up of his relationship with my Mum for what he calls his “breakdown”.

Let me try to explain how I feel:

‘You can’t resent someone who has broken his leg, but if he/she doesn’t want to get cured then yes, you do resent him/her.’

As for me, this experience has made me less judgmental and more human. I believe that people who have had a tough time and somehow got over it to change for the better. It has also taught me (the hard way!) to fight for myself and to have the job and life that I wanted. I became the first female Project Manager in a train manufacturing company and inaugurated Line 14 in Paris (the driverless one).

I have also learned to ignore condescending comments such as “you know bipolar depression is genetic, don’t you?”

Well, I am fine, thank you very much. And very happy. There is a genetic element to bipolar depression as there is for addictions or depression but, out of two identical twins, one can be bipolar and not the other. It is amazing how some seemingly educated people are willing to put you down.

The Beauty of Difference

I am also finding happiness in the small moments of life, like my morning’s coffee or watching my children sleep. I think that I am actually happier because of my past. It is as if life was more colorful and interesting now. My “different” past has changed my perspective on everything and I am almost sad for people who haven’t experienced something “different”. They don’t know it, but they are missing out!

Photo by Muriel Jacques

If you would like to be a part of ‘The Beauty of Difference’ series, please contact me at janine.ripper@gmail.com.

I would love to share your story.

Looking back through my blog: My 7 Links

Posted on by
17

Recently, an fellow Aussie blogger, travel enthusiast and red head – Vicki Potts @redheadedtravel (http://redheadedtravels.com) - nominated me to join in the #My7links project. My first thought was that I must have been living under a rock – as this was the first time I had heard of this project. The second thought was that I was impressed – Vicki had been paying attention and knew I was a sucker for these ‘challenges’.

Not one to rush into things, I had to mull this over for a couple of days, but I think I’ve finally managed to come up with my list. So here they are – my 7 links. What do you think?

My most beautiful post: It’s hard to think of my posts as ‘beautiful’, but on browsing through them, I will put this one forward to you: ‘Moments in Time.’ I published this not long ago, but I actually wrote it years ago. I found it when I was reading an old journal a few weeks back, and was a wee bit impressed at how I wrote back then. After some tweaking, I decided to share it on my blog. It’s about those beautiful moments in everyday life, that we often miss unless we are watching for them.

My most popular post of all time: (well – within the 11 months this blog has been in existence) is What do you do to maintain your mental health? There is no competition. With over 370 hits in the first week, I was blown away by its success – and it was all thanks to some kind soul profiling it on Fiveminute5 – 5 cool things for your 5-minute break! I actually have no idea who, how, why…you get the picture. But I am very thankful – especially because it was a post on depression and stress, a subject close to my heart.

My most controversial post: I don’t think I’m a controversial blogger. I tend to focus on things that will either lift people up, or make them think…along with the other quirky, artsy, daggy, self-deprecating stuff I may blog about. But there is one post that jumps to mind because it stimulated a lot of discussion – some of the best I have seen as a result of something I have written. ‘New Experiences at work – Drug and Alcohol test anyone?‘ was a post where I shared my encounter of being random drug tested at work. The discussions that followed were around the infringement of rights, workplace bullying tactics, and the change in company policies throughout the years.

My most helpful post: apart from What do you do to maintain your mental health? would possibly be the post I wrote on my experiences in dealing with Bullying in the Workplace.

A post whose success surprises me: ’I’d rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not done. Lucille Ball‘ A simple post, referring to an awesome quote I had never heard before. It seemed to strike a chord with lots of people. I’m glad I could share it with you all, and that you liked it as much as I did.

A post I feel didn’t get the attention it deserves: I think it was ‘In the grip of fear‘.  I can understand though, as the subject (domestic violence) is something most people still struggle to talk about in this day and age.

The post I am most proud of: This is REALLY hard! I’m going to go for this one: ‘The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion – Dalai Lama XIV‘. I chose this one because it’s one of the first times I really let loose and shared my own views on an issue I am passionate about – immigration, multiculturalism and compassion.

So that’s it. What do you think?

Oh, before I forget – I better nominate some ‘victims’ huah huah huah…so over to you (if you choose to accept your challenge:

@StuStoryteller,

@hajraks (you wanted something to write about!),

@AckermanRoy and

@LaliaVoce

 

A Personal Bloggers Are Us Challenge – What Is The Post We Are Most Proud Of?

Posted on by
14

The blogging challenge we set for the Personal Bloggers Are Us (#PBAU on Twitter) group this week was this:

Share with the group the post you are most proud of / the post you have written that is your favourite?

Easier said then done. Does one go with the most meaningful post, the well-written one, the most popular one, or the hardest one to write and share with the blogosphere?

Since we are sharing 2 of our favourite posts this week, I though I’d firstly go with my most popular all time post with 754 hits – which surprised me incredibly! Aside from the popularity, the subject is extremely close to my heart. I do hope you can get something from it again.

How Do You Maintain Your Mental Health?

I’ve battled with depression for over half of my life, therefore maintaining my mental health is incredibly important to me.

Statistics from the World Health Organisation (WHO) show that:

  • Depression is common, affecting about 121 million people worldwide.
  • Depression is among the leading causes of disability worldwide.
  • Fewer than 25 % of those affected have access to effective treatments.

These numbers are disturbing, so with the increasing prevalence of depression in society, how one deals with their mental health is becoming integral to daily living. I’ve tried a whole load of things to help me get through, some previously tried and tested, some things that worked, some that failed dismally.

Here are some things I’ve done, or presently do, to help maintain a balance:

  • Burn incense and natural oils when at home. I find certain fragrances such as Sandalwood, Musk and Lavender are relaxing.
  • Listen to music. Late last year I started listening to jazz and chants. I also started to rediscover some of the music I used to listen to – but had stopped through sheer laziness. I find it helps to take the edge off.
  • Don’t take drugs. Most are a depressant – after the initial buzz and high are followed by the lowest of the low. I learn’t this – not by choice – one night after my drink was spiked whilst out with friends at a club. I have never felt so low before in my life then I did after that night. The memory loss did not help things. It took me over a week to start feeling normal again.
  • Get a pet. Before doing so though, you need to realise it is a commitment, and they do require love and care. My dog was given to me as a present, and at times dragging myself out of the house to take her for a walk has been hard, but without her I would have been lost.
  • Write lists. This helps to get stuff out of your head and onto paper. I have many journals with copious amounts of lists on all kinds of things from what makes me happy, to what I want to do in life, to why I hated my job or felt so sad. This is also good to look back on years later – to see how far you have progressed, or to really ‘see’ your patterns of thinking throughout the years.
  • Allow yourself to rest. I have moved between the extremes. I have either rested too much, or I have gone like a bull at a gate, and ended up exhausted, sick and depressed. Allow yourself time to recoup, but try not to just sleep your life away. It’s a very easy habit to slip into.
  • Hatha Yoga. Hatha Yoga is the more relaxed, slower paced yoga style focussing on relaxation and breathing. I didn’t actually expect to be able to relax, as I had tried other types of yoga such as Ashtanga, and ended up stressed! But alas! The effects from Hatha Yoga were instantaneous, and I really must take it up again.
  • Say no. I still struggle with this, but you must learn to say no, and realise that it is okay to do so. Dealing with the guilt you feel from doing it is not easy, but you must remember that if you are exhausted, you are really no good to anyone (Note to self).
  • Don’t drink too much alcohol. I should be saying ‘don’t drink alcohol’, but I can’t do that as a few drinks relax me. You just need to remember to not let it become a habit, and to avoid binge drinking, as like drugs, the high is followed by a real low.
  • Exercise. Easier said than done when you are sad, tired and frustrated. I struggle with this as I’m either all of nothing. I become obsessed with something, such as weight training at the gym, but then I become so reliant on it for the way it makes me feel, that it turns into a type of addiction. And then I force myself to stop. And then I just don’t exercise.
  • Get out and spend time with friends and family. Sometimes it takes a lot to get out, but when you do it’s worth it. Even if you just sit in silence with someone. Knowing they are just there really helps.
  • Read. There is a wealth of literature on depression, on self-help, on writing and art therapy to help with depression, and of course comedic fiction, or really whatever you fancy reading. It takes your mind off of the seemingly never-ending internal battle within your mind.
  • Talk to a professional. You may need to try a few first – councillors, psychologists, your GP, and so on, but once you find the right person, major breakthroughs can be made. Most countries have organisations or initiatives that can help with the cost these days also – so hit google and don’t let money, or the lack of, be an excuse.
  • Take anti-depressants. From experience you are either pro or con anti-depressants. I have moved between the two, but as someone explained to me once, it’s like taking medication for diabetes, or cholesterol. Sometimes you just need to do it to have a better quality of life. It’s important to note here that not all types will agree with you. I tookZoloft many years ago, and weened myself off of it as the side-effects freaked me out. I managed okay for a few years, but then ended up in the lowest of the low of my depressive states, and after trying everything – diet, counseling, exercise, mediation, Pilates, yoga, and so on, I realised I could not do it myself anymore. After being open and honest with my doctor of years, we decided to try Luvox (Movox) and thankfully it has helped dramatically. The thought of possibly being on them for the rest of my life terrifies me when I think about it, but I would rather take a pill every day, then not live.

The important thing to note is that these may not work for you. Just because it works for someone, does not mean it will translate to others easily. It’s a matter of trying, and then watching yourself closely to see what the effects are.

It is also important to stress that there is nothing wrong with seeking help from medical practitioners, or in taking medication to ease things. From personal experience I have gone through this. I have avoided speaking to my doctor or seeing a psychologist, and battled with the thoughts of taking anti-depressants. But, sometimes that added assistance helps. It doesn’t mean you are a lesser human being. It just means that you are human.

Anxiety

Posted on by
12

I found the following piece of prose in a travel journal from 2001. These were dark days for me as I was suffering from bad depression and anxiety – I know that now. At the time I was overseas on my first European trip and loving it. I finally felt free – I was tasting independence and happiness, and I was dreading coming home.

I’ve had a go at tweaking it slightly, so that it now flows better. I thought I would share with you, as an insight into the mind of someone struggling with anxiety.

The thoughts circle each other…

Round…and round…and around.

I want them to stop but my mind is trapped.

There is no escape route or ‘off’ switch,

Just the constant whirring of the cogs in my brain.

At times the effort seems too great,

But as I breathe, life goes on.

Janine Ripper 2001, Revised 2011

Maintaining Balance

Posted on by
23

Lady in the sea

The thing about living with depression, or having had depression, is that it’s always in the back of your mind that it will get worse or that it will return.

I’ve had a rough few weeks. I’m tired and I’m run down. I feel low. At the moment it’s not a relapse, as I know exactly what’s getting me down, I don’t want to sleep all of the time, I can eat, I haven’t pushed every man and his dog away, and I can still genuinely laugh (and I’m not a total bitch to live with). But the thought is there. The what if…what if this is the beginning, again. What if something else happens and I lose control. I know – I’ve been there a few times. I remember what it was like. It scares me.

It IS different this time, as I do now know and recognise the signs. I have an awareness of my triggers, and I know what coping mechanisms help for me. I am also already on anti-depressants – so my blessed brain already has some added assistance to help keep balanced. It’s like my security blanket. The thought of staying on these bloody pills forever is a daunting thought, but it’s one I can live with. It’s like people with diabetes – in order to maintain their blood sugar levels they need insulin. For those with high blood pressure, they need tablets (and a healthy diet). For people with depression, some of us need a daily pill – accompanied by exercise, fresh air, relaxation, good food, and a whole lot of laughter.

The other notable difference is that I’m still writing. During all of the other times, I couldn’t. For years I had lost the ability to create, to string words together, to do what I love…and there is no way in hell that I’m letting it go now that I’ve found it again!

Mental exhaustion

Posted on by
8

I admit it…I’m in a foul mood but I’m doing a real good job at hiding it. But maybe it’s not a foul mood. I think it might be mental exhaustion from the 3 day working week that just finished, in which I feel like I did 2 weeks worth of work within those 3 days – and I still didn’t finish everything. I always finish everything. I am an ultra-organised perfectionist who works hard. I’ve never worked in a job whereby I haven’t finished everything I needed to. I know how to prioritise and delegate. It’s just, you need to have people to delegate too, and you need to have 5 minutes in order to reassess those priorities.

I remembered this morning that I forgot to have breakfast yesterday. I keep sachets of microwave porridge in my desk draw at work. I had intended to eat it whilst my PC was booting up at work. I didn’t do it. And I didn’t even realise I was hungry until someone told me how pale I was. It was about 2.00pm by the time I ate, and the shakes had set in. But I was still beavering away, trying to meet the end of month deadline – close of business Friday 29 April.

I walked out of work at 6.15pm last night just wanting to cry. I don’t like submitting sub-standard work, but until we get more staff, I need to come to terms with the fact that this needs to be done. At least I’m not alone as my team mate did the same. We ere the only ones left on our respective floors of the office – and we were pissed off.

Ah – writing this has made me feel slightly better. I needed a little rant.

Nighty night!