I’ve lived with depression on and off since I was 15. And I’ve dealt with anxiety and panic attacks since I was a little girl.
I vividly remember being a shy, freckle-faced redhead who freaked out over the smallest things. I was scared of everything, and as the new kid in school, I quickly became an easy target for bullies.
The teasing continued through high school, and I allowed myself to believe that I was fat, ugly, and stupid. I started to hate myself, cried all the time, and even began to starve myself.
At age 15, I began drinking alcohol and finding myself in bad situations with boys. Alcohol is a depressant, and I always woke up feeling terrible the next day, dealing with the consequences of my actions and disappointing my parents.
I dreamt of becoming a lawyer or a journalist. But those were dashed when a teacher told me I wasn’t smart enough. Looking back, I know now that I was smart enough but lacked guidance, counselling, mentoring, and time to find myself.
The ‘D’ word
When I started my first year of university, I was diagnosed with depression.
Finally, my “moods” were given a name, but it was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it was a relief to have a name for what I was going through. But on the other hand, I wasn’t ready to admit that something was “wrong” with me. At the time, many people didn’t believe depression existed, and I faced stigma and disbelief.
The black cloud of depression hung over my life for years, and I engaged in a self-destructive lifestyle. I was stressed, drank too much, ate poorly, starved myself, exercised too much or too little, had trouble sleeping, partied too hard, overworked, had relationships with dodgy men, and had bouts of living on the “straight and narrow.”
I didn’t stop until my body crashed or I got sick.
When I entered the corporate world, I reached both my highest and lowest points. Struggling with social anxiety, I was really depressed and became a shut-in. All while excelling in my job.
I saw a GP who prescribed me anti-depressants, and while they levelled me out, I ultimately decided to wean off them due to the side effects.
After nine months of following my passion for travel, backpacking and working around Europe and the UK (now that’s a whole other story – because you can’t escape anxiety, no matter how far you go!), I returned home and plunged into a new career in project management.
Looking back, it probably wasn’t the wisest choice for someone with chronic anxiety. But that was a lesson I had to learn.
I was a fantastic project manager, but I kept physically and mentally burning out. I was stressed to the max and suffering from insomnia. When I experienced bullying at work, I finally decided to quit, take a few months off to sleep, and get help.
Around this time, I started looking into my family’s history of depression and other mental health issues. I discovered they were present on both sides. I also began seeing a fantastic psychologist and started taking anti-depressants again, which had no adverse reactions. She was a godsend and helped me overcome my body image and confidence issues.
It took me a few years to find stability, but finally, I felt healthy and happy.
My career was going well. I was in love. And my partner and I had just returned from an amazing trip to China.
Life was good.
Reinvigorated and loved up, we returned home on a high.
However, two weeks after we returned home, my partner had a freak accident and nearly died. His recovery took many years, and his story isn’t something for me to tell. However, we worked through it together. It was hard, as he lost his job, and many of his friendships, and the financial impact was huge.
But we got through it.
And therapy helped me a lot. Even though I appeared positive and resilient, the trauma from the incident and the recovery had worn me down.
I could only keep going for so long.
The wake-up call after the wake-up call
It was my third accident in as many months that made me realise how much stress and anxiety were impacting my life.
The accidents really shook me.
I could not keep going the way I was.
I couldn’t work full-time as I was so fatigued. And I was struggling to focus.
Everything was so overwhelming.
It took three car accidents for me to finally realise I needed to make some drastic changes in my life.
And so I finally decided to put myself first.
After some research, I decided to try an eight-week intensive Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Course (MBSR).
As I tuned in to my heart, body, and mind during the program, I entered a conversation with my body.
Focussing on my gut, heart, and the tension in my body, I realised how unhappy my body was with me. I had to prioritise my health and well-being.
And so I quit my 12-year career in project management in my mid-30s.
The thought of quitting my job terrified me.
But I’ve never regretted the decision, even when I struggled to pay the bills and put petrol in my car.
Staying mentally and physically well takes work.
I need to remind myself daily what is important.
Health, energy, and joy.
Practising mindfulness has helped break the fight or flight response I’d become accustomed to.
Mindfulness also helped me to release the trauma I’d been holding onto.
I stay well by ensuring I get plenty of rest. I prioritise me-time, eat well, drink less, practice yoga, read self-help books, pursue what I love and live according to my values.
And the reward of living more in tune with myself, to living mindfully, is spending more time at the moment rather than in the regrets of the past, in the fears for the future, or in various versions of the present I would constantly recreate in my head.
It’s also experiencing life for what it is.
And it’s wonderful.
JON KABAT-ZINNMindfulness is about being fully awake in our lives. It is about perceiving the exquisite vividness of each moment. We also gain immediate access to our own powerful inner resources for insight, transformation, and healing.
