How can I learn to love myself?
The answer to learning to love myself started with challenging a fundamental, underlying belief:
That I was worthless.
Once upon a time, small breasts were among the litany of my imperfections. I’d repeatedly been told that I was too small, looked too Asian, my eyelashes were too short they may not have existed and that my thumbs looked like toes.
Deeper than my skin, I believed I was stupid, irresponsible, insightful, and not confident enough. I was also too emotional and believed it was my fault for not having enough self-respect.
I’ve been in enough relationships where people enjoyed my body. That felt nice, but it wasn’t enough.
I have been encouraged to strive for happiness and fulfilment throughout my life. I did this by filling in the missing elements that would have made my mistakes into working equations.
These days I reflect on how I’d been trying to ‘be good’ through avoidance. I avoided any demonstrations of “negative emotion”, physical threats – mostly imaginary in my case (e.g. if walking anywhere, I’d constantly fear that someone would assault me), and emotional and practical risks (which are everywhere). Ironically, I was so fixated on avoiding things I ended up not doing much of anything.
I realised that if avoidance was my ultimate goal, then suicide was my best bet. However, I didn’t want to die.
A new way of living
And so I created a new way of living. This was a paradigm shift from ‘avoiding all manner of failure to meet the goal’ to ‘striving directly for a goal’.
Today, I continue to learn how to relax and take things one step at a time. I work with what immediately relates to each moment and try not to stress about meeting some elusive gold standard created by blind faith and unchecked imagination.
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
Over the years, I’ve built the courage to feel the fear yet strive for a vision.
Taking full responsibility for my choices, and expanding my perspective to see life’s many possibilities and choices, has led to a frame of mind I am grateful for.
Refining my sense of purpose, it led to me working with children – the perfect field for me. I’ve learnt to see my past ‘imperfections’ as positives, based on the function I now want for my body. My height allows me to share special hiding places and not intimidate children; my small breasts help them to identify with me and open up. If I get fatter, I will be even cuddlier (I look forward to this!).
Deeper than learning to love myself, I’m a lot gentler on myself. I am also learning to be kind, to be fair, and help others feel valued and listened to.
To help empower my kids and to help them know they are more than any thoughts or events or emotions could ever be.
I also help them piece their stories together by ensuring they’re comfortable with the spin they’ve put on it. We then extend and create the rest of their life story based on where they want it to go – especially if it involves ninjas, fairies and slime!
Despite the ups and downs, I have something to anchor me now. While life happens to us, we are the creators of meaning and worth, and I hope this perspective helps.
With love,
Kat
About Kathryn Yew
Kathryn Yew runs ‘Whole Hearts Personal Child Care’, where she provides private Early Childhood Education.
She is interested in co-constructing the foundation for people’s social, emotional and psychological lives, with a distinct focus on character development and play-based, child-initiated learning through nurturing attachments. She is also passionate about helping human potential, dignity, and well-being flourish — regardless of age.
Kathryn is intrigued by the nature and optimal development of humanity and is awed by the huge range of quality within our human existence. As a strong believer that respect and love are earned and given freely, she wants her life to be a testament to how understanding people with acknowledgment and compassion cultivates love — and to document her practice of the art.
Kat’s career path in 7 words:
