My name is Janine, and it has taken me most of my life to learn how to say no.
It took me until my mid-30s to be able to do it.
It took me a lot longer to start saying no without stressing about it for days beforehand and ending up an anxious mess.
And it took me even longer to say no to their faces, not via a sneaky text message or ghosting them.
Until then, I was so stressed out people pleasing and saying yes to every opportunity that came my way I ended up sick from stress and burnt out…over and over and over.
Why is NO such a hard word to say?
No, I don’t want another drink. [It will make me ill!]
Nope, I don’t want to go out tonight. [I want to sit on the couch in my PJs and chill!]
No, I can’t commit to anything else at the moment. [I’m super stressed!]
No, I can’t do overtime. [I was going to spend time with my family]
Aside from being a people pleaser, I believed that working hard was one of the most admirable traits in a person.
And so the harder I worked, the more I pleased, the happier people were with me, and the more they wanted me.
Hard work defined me. Success fed me. And praise, well, praise sustained me. So there are no surprises I burnt out way too many times.
As I said, I was a people pleaser.
Also, as someone who lacked confidence and was very shy, I hated confrontation. So in saying yes to everything, I avoided confrontation at every chance. I just wanted people to like and be proud of me. I also equated saying no with letting people down. With upsetting them. With disappointment.
So what changed?
I awoke to the fact that I was *ahem* a chronic people pleaser AND that it was no good for me.
And as a true people pleaser, I had sacrificed my health (both physical and mental), my values, and my self-esteem. Depression, chronic anxiety, illness caused by constant fight or flight, and discomfort from compromising my values.
When I sat down, analysed my values system, and wondered why I was so unhappy and stressed, I woke up and recognised what I had been doing. That was when I finally acknowledged that I was good enough and that no one was perfect!
There was no need to change me. I just needed to change the way I thought of myself.
Learning how to say no
The easiest way to learn to say no is to practice. And starting small is the best approach.
For example, “No, I’ll pass on the takeaway coffee this morning”, or “No, thank you, I’ve had enough to eat.” You can then build up from there as you get more comfortable saying the word. “Nah, I’m going to head home instead of going out for drinks after work,” or “Thanks for the invite, but I have a big week that week, so I’ll pass”, or “I can’t take on anything more at the moment. Full stop.”
You can also use this motto to guide every decision you make: If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a hell no.
Additionally, learn to tune in and listen to your mind and body.
If, in the pit of your stomach, you’re feeling uncomfortable for some reason, your body is sending you a strong signal.
And if your mind can’t switch off and you keep overthinking and stressing over things, then you probably need to make some decisions!
If something isn’t sitting right with me, I stop to consider WHY I feel that way. Is it because I ate something dodgy? Is it because I’m tired? Or is it because I know it won’t be good for me deep down? Or is it something else causing me to feel so uneasy?
And at times, you will feel guilty and very uncomfortable.
You’ll also worry about what people will think and how they will react.
And yes, you WILL second guess yourself a lot.
But believe me when I say the more you do it, the easier it will become.
I still have moments where I slip back into old patterns of people-pleasing and self-doubt, but I’m now better placed to recognise my old ways and to remind myself of where I’ve been and how much I value my health and sanity.
P.S. If you loved this, you might also love these:
Learning to love yourself again
NEVER deny your struggles. They are an important part of your story!
