Last year, at 45, I was diagnosed with ADHD.
And it has changed my life in ways I never thought possible, and I want to tell you about it.
After struggling with burnout on a scale I had never experienced before and feeling like I was losing my mind, I started sharing with a few close friends what I had been experiencing.
Coincidently, the TikTok algorithm must have sensed something as I started seeing a lot of TikTok’s on ADHD in women.
After a couple of conversations, some hyperfocus research and self-enquiry, one thing led to another, and I got an assessment.
It turned out that I have ADHD and was in severe ADHD burnout.
Actually, I did so well on the test that I would have gotten an A+ if I had been graded!
Looking back on my life, I see how ADHD has been present.
The feeling I never quite fit in.
Being called weird, sensitive, quirky, different, or that I laugh too loudly… and not in a good way.
Struggling through school and university.
I had misinterpreted my hyperactive racing mind and constant feelings of overwhelm as anxiety.
Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, interrupting people and taking things way too literally.
Always losing things, bumping into things, car accidents, and never remembering people’s names!
The urge to do many things, different things, for change – but also security, safety and stability.
And the ability to hyperfocus and get shit done, producing a high level of work in a short period of time.
Or when I felt like I had no brain and couldn’t string words together into a coherent sentence.
And then there were the sensory processing issues.
I had never realised how much lights, sounds, people, and emotions impacted me.
And so much more…
At age 45, I was exhausted from living life undiagnosed and from masking to fit into the neurotypical world.
Initially, I felt a lot of grief, anger, disappointment, and sadness for all the years I believed something was wrong with me.
For the years I had been trying to ‘fix’ myself through counselling, psychologists, naturopaths, doctors, tests from specialists, and self-help books and classes, believing I couldn’t handle life like a ‘normal’ person.
Why had no one picked up on this?
NO ONE?
But everything makes sense now.
I had become so good at masking – at fitting in.
I had developed some awesome systems to support myself to live, work and achieve.
And I had spent a lot of time hiding, napping, resting and trying to restore myself to do the things ‘normal’ people do.
Getting an ADHD diagnosis has been validating.
My ADHD diagnosis has led me to understand the what, why and how I do what I do (there are many things).
By looking at life through a different lens, I’m exploring my neurodivergent self and permitting myself to do things differently.
It has opened a new world of possibilities and permitted me to do things in a way that works for me.
I’m discovering who I am.
I’m loving who I am.
I feel happier.
And I feel so much more whole.
I hope hearing part of my story about my ADHD diagnosis will inspire you to be gentle with yourself and each other and to accept and celebrate your differences.
Janine
P.S. There is more to this story. I have not mentioned the medical and mental health systems, waiting lists, and other non-helpful things I have encountered as I’ve attempted to navigate. This has been cumbersome, frustrating, and I almost threw my hands in the air with disgust. Working with an ADHD coach and the support from friends, family, and my networks has been a blessing. I’ll share more on that another day, as well as what has helped me get through.
