Loving yourself can be tricky.
I’ve spent much of my life self-hating, not ‘self-loving’.
And by hate, I mean hate in every essence of the word.
I hated my body. I hated the way I looked. I hated the skin I was in. The body I was born with. My personality. I hated myself. I mean, who could ever love someone like me? I certainly didn’t.
I was unworthy. I was stupid. I was ugly. And I was miserable.
Wow.
Even writing those words brings back a flood of feelings and memories.
Memories of how I used to lie in bed crying to myself, starving, lonely, and so very, very lost.
How I wanted the world to stop moving so, I could get off. I thought everyone else thought I was horrible, ugly, and worthless.
How I just didn’t want to exist anymore.
I can’t believe I was so hard on myself. So negative!
It’s taken years of counselling, self-reflection, learning, and mistakes.
It’s led me into my late 30’s even, but I made it, and I’m incredibly happy to finally be in a place where I [mostly] love myself as I am:
- These days I’m a healthy size 12.
- I accept and love my tiger stripes (my nickname for my stretch marks across my ass, thighs, lower back and boobs. I’ve had them since I was 15)
- My face is covered with sun kisses(aka freckles) I choose not to hide with makeup
- I am mostly at peace with my anxiety. I know I experience it, and I design my life
- Depression. It’s no longer a big, looming beast. It’s now a little puppy dog I shelter with a mixture of self-care and medication, which is cool. I’m no longer ashamed of it!
- I love my red hair. I mean, what’s not to love? Okay, I DON’T love the white hairs taking over my head. Nope. Especially the wiry ones that stick out at all angles. WTF’s with that?!
- I’m learning to love the lines developing on my face. As my bestie says, they are the paths of my life. No botox for me.
- I made the conscious choice not to diet/lose weight for my wedding in January 2016.
- I’m no longer ‘hangry’ all of the time. I like to eat. And I eat well. possibly too well… I also drink wine.
